it's hard for me to post this, because i'm not sure exactly what i'm thinking, but i'm trying to say it anyway.

it's like i've given up on recovery, but not even consciously. i forget to eat, or feel too sick to eat. i don't think about food all the time--in fact i hardly ever think about it at all. that sounds like a good step in recovery, but not thinking about food means if i miss a meal i don't realize it until the next one comes around, or until my mom starts nagging me about it. and it means that when i live by myself starting next month already i might not even have to try to lose weight, i'll just get too busy with school and work and all the shit i'm gonna be doing and just forget to take care of myself.

not thinking about food also means that when i do eat, it's sort of uncomfortable, because i both wasn't hungry and didn't have any notion of eating. and of course i also still want to lose weight, and it's so easy to do that right now, and will be infinitely easier when my parents are (essentially) out of the picture. also i'm going on a trip next week to visit family and i might even lose weight then, being active with my cousins and eating less than i usually do because my parents won't be there. i hate that i think so much in terms of whether my parents are present or not because it shouldn't matter, except that they expect me to be so much hungrier than i am.

all of this worries me because i have enough trouble taking care of myself as it is, but now that my mind is elsewhere i don't know how i'll ever be able to handle college life without severely regressing, whether it's initially intentional or otherwise. what i've found is that if i start losing weight without thinking about it, i start fixating on it and it makes me want to lose more. so no matter what if i lose weight i'll be sort of stuck.

also lately i've become a lot more conscious of my body, and that seems like a weird thing to say of someone with an ED but what i mean is that i'm starting to see things i refused to see before, like i had no fucking idea i was this bony. didn't want to know it, didn't want to deal with it. but i've realized that other people can see this quite clearly and i wonder what they think. and observing this has just been sort of triggering and makes me want to lose weight again, which i know i shouldn't do but i've been in such a daze and i have so much trouble caring much about anything and so it's kind of just automatic, and i have trouble retrieving the recovery-esque thoughts of "this is a bad idea" and "i will fuck myself over by doing this." i'm quite sick of all of it and i've stopped trying to care. i tried so hard for a long time and i'm tired of trying. it'll come around again, and i'll want to recover, which is good, but the cycle doesn't stop there and i'll be going back and forth for eternity. that's what i'm envisioning anyway. hopefully i'm horribly wrong. fingers crossed.

p.s. did anyone read the book Hunger? so far i'm finding it very triggering but very interesting.

http://coilhouse.net/2008/07/05/the-tarnished-beauties-of-blackwell-oklahoma/

Criss-crossing America’s interstates on shoestring music tours, my bandmates and I see scores of battered roadside billboards. They advertise art brut outposts, World’s Biggest Fill-in-the-Blanks, ramshackle sculpture gardens, rustic museums, and obscure historic landmarks. Such attractions are usually located in quiet little towns only a short distance from the highway. More often than not, we make a point to stop, stretch our legs and explore. These spontaneous jaunts expose us to beauty and knowledge we would never have discovered otherwise.

Possibly the most delightful surprise on this last stint with Faun Fables was a visit to the Top of Oklahoma Museum, housed in the somewhat dilapidated (but still glorious) Electric Park Pavilion on Main Street in Blackwell, OK (population 7,700). A grand, white structure with a large central dome, the Pavilion was built in 1912 to celebrate the advent of electricity in Blackwell. Its design takes after styles exhibited at the famous “White City” of the World’s Fair in Chicago in 1893. Its lights, which originally numbered over 500, could once be seen for miles across the windswept prairie.

These days, the Pavilion could use some serious TLC. Multiple leaks in the dome have endangered the museum’s contents. Plastic tarps enshroud several exhibits. Many items bear marks of water damage. One of the kindly septuagenarian docents who works there followed us from room to room, clucking over the holes in the roof, the rusty stains. These elderly preservationists take a lot of pride in their charge, with good reason. The “TOOM” is a sprawling, musty treasure trove of turn-of-the-century ephemera, railroad memorabilia, articles of Cherokee life, hand-carved walking sticks and pipes, dioramas, dollhouses, baby buggies, hobbyist’s taxidermy, antique musical and medical instruments, Victrolas, zinc smelting documentation, delicate handmade lace, linen and clothing, exceedingly creepy dolls, sewing machines, china, vintage propaganda, picture books, elaborate quilting, and countless other keepsakes left behind by the city’s first brave citizens.

Judging by these artifacts, early non-native residents of Oklahoma were hardy, determined folk who struggled to eke out a life on America’s frontier. How they maintained such an unshakable air of dignity and refinement is beyond me, but Blackwell is a true, sparkling diamond in the rough. For me, nothing symbolizes the spirit of its citizens better than the following portrait, unceremoniously presented on a torn, water-stained bit of pasteboard in the museum’s “School Room”: ”

Who were you, Lola? Whatever became of you?

The girl’s name was Lola Squires, and she was a student enrolled in Blackwell High, graduating class of 1916. That’s all I know. Her gaze knocked me back several feet. Once I finally stop staring at her, I realized that there were countless other flint-eyed and bow-bedecked young beauties on the walls nearby. I must have spent well over an hour in that one room, moving from portrait to portrait, documenting as much as I could, just stunned.

(more…)

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Hi!  Looking to build a little interest in the variety magazine SKREWD!  Adventure and Humor in the vein of EC Comics.  Have a look and let us know what you think, Thanks! 

I'm looking for some tutorials on digital matte painting and was wondering if anyone could suggest one, or more?

Thanks!

Hi, I'm hoping someone can give me a hand! I'm trying to find a relative, Richard Cockerton, in the 1930 US Census. I have a document from 1930 that gives his address as 11313 Homan Ave, Chicago, Cook County, USA - but I have no idea how to find whereabouts on the census that would be. I've got an Ancestry.com account and I've been searching for Richards in Chicago (he was born in England around 1867 and lived in Ontario until at least the mid-1890's, possibly later). I've got entirely English and Canadian ancestry, so I've not really used the US Censuses much yet and I'd really appreciate any help locating Richard! I have no idea if he married or had children, but I know he was definitely alive in 1930.

Any ideas?

Current Location: Leeds, England
Current Mood: curious
Current Music: "Lady Marmelade ~ Moulin Rouge"

http://www.snopes.com/sports/soccer/barbados.asp

How a soccer team advanced in a cup match by deliberately scoring against itself.

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